What I've Learned...

Yet one more time, I have no idea what I am posting about, so I'm just posting my random thoughts. Boredom and a bit of (really good) beer will do that to you.

What did I learn this year so far? That sounds like fun; I think I will do that.

I learned that a cat will want you to pay attention to you when you are busy, but will be bored with you when you want to play with her. I learned that it feels good to be financially independent, even if it is in a small room of a house. I've learned that people can be more beautiful than you even imagined, especially when they are showing you what they fear is their worst side. I've learned that people can be uglier than you knew, especially when they have nothing but good intentions.

I've learned, yet again, that music is the best way to salve your mood, and is a more perfect companion to life than most anything. I've learned that what we hide inside of ourselves is hidden for a reason, that if we ever find it, we will be scared shitless by it.

I've learned that it is worth every ounce of scared, every shred of sanity, every ache and pain, to go that step, to throw yourself into that fiery abyss of your soul and learn every corner of your heart intimately. I've learned that it hurts. But I've also learned that it is real, and that it is a beautiful feeling when all is said and done, and through it all you are the same person. You just know yourself better.

I've learned that you can find friends where least expected, in people you would never have expected. I've learned that friends are priceless, and worth everything. I've learned that life is full of risk, and to not take a risk is to not live. I've learned that alcohol, while fun from time to time, is not an answer to anything, and only makes things worse. I've learned that the cutest little dog can melt your heart and drive you crazy in the same day. I've learned that love will take you to the ends of the earth, and the ends of your sanity.

And, most important, I've learned that it is all worth it. Don't give up, no matter what the odds. There is someone out there who cares.

Love,
Laurel Raven

Life has been...interesting

You may notice (if anyone is even reading) that it has been a while since I have posted. Life is, as the Chinese curse, interesting. A time of confusion and self examination, in which everything has been turned upside down...everything that I thought I knew and understand has been brought into question in my own mind. Nothing is as it seems, nothing makes sense.

So, what is going on? Not something I am ready to talk about, unfortunately. Let me just say that it is something that will change my life as I know it, and nothing will ever be the same. At the same time that it tears down all that I knew and terrifies me with the idea of the torrent of change, it is also freeing, as it lets me know better who I am. For the first time in my life, I feel like I know myself, and that is a very liberating feeling. For the first time, strangely, I feel happy, sane, accepting of who I am. And, yet, I feel crazier than ever.

I don't expect anyone to understand something that I won't talk about. Hell, I know it and I barely understand. Just one of those things that feels like a crewel joke, but also know it is very, very real.

Well, that is everything I feel like talking about tonight. I hope I will post again soon, and might even talk about what has been going on.

Good night.

Welcome to Hell

That was the poster that I passed on the way to work this morning, or rather, it should have been there...then, at least, I would have been ready for the day I had. Not that it was a bad day as far as work itself goes. However, I was definitely in a "quandary, full of loathing and self-doubt", and, for some reason, the thought that there is a place out there called Albuquerque did not help one damned bit (sorry, that was a Weird Al reference for anyone who hasn't heard that song).

I hate coming home at lunch to cry into a pillow just so I can go on with my day. Truly. It sucks. Plus, you have to explain why it is that you just spent an hour at lunch, and come back to immediately get something from the cafeteria. Fortunatly, noone noticed. Or, if they did, they didn't ask.

Oh, well...better than going on being bitchy and crabby through the rest of the day, right?